


Existential Pillow Talk

by heroiccaptain



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: Existentialism, First Kiss, Fluff, James T. Kirk Loves Spock, Love Confessions, M/M, My First K/S fic, Pillow Talk, Sharing a Bed, Spock Loves James T. Kirk, Vulcan Mind Melds, fake honeymoon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-27
Updated: 2021-01-27
Packaged: 2021-03-13 04:41:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,437
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29022885
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/heroiccaptain/pseuds/heroiccaptain
Summary: Stranded in a hotel, Kirk and Spock end up having to share a bed, which leads them to an existential debate and long-awaited confessions.
Relationships: James T. Kirk/Spock
Comments: 4
Kudos: 63





	Existential Pillow Talk

**Author's Note:**

> "Let's rewatch random TOS episodes", I said. "You're not going to write your first K/S fic afterwards", I said.

"Kirk to Enterprise. Scotty, make sure you take care of her. Me and Mr. Spock will hide in this establishment we have found until it is safe to leave this planet without being noticed by the Klingons. Over"

"Aye, aye, Captain. Stay safe. Over" 

They stood next to two other men in front of the reception desk. 

"Welcome to the Betelgeuse Hotel & Spa!"

"Thank you. A room, please. For two nights"

"Your names, gentlemen?" 

"Joseph...Kennedy. And Spock", he looked at the Vulcan, who was discreetly judging his choice of names. 

"Are you two on a honeymoon too?", one of the men approached Spock. 

"On a honeymoon?", his eyebrows furrowed. 

"Yes. Yes, we are", Kirk intervened without a second thought. It had been a tiring mission so far and it was so much easier to say ‘yes’ than to create a whole other excuse. 

"Ah! Congratulations!"

"For you too, gentlemen", he smiled politely. His social charm came to him quite easily, but it was becoming hard to hide his stress and he couldn't wait to get to the room. 

"I'm afraid our honeymoon suites are crowded. Would our deluxe room suit you? It has a bathtub, a deck to watch the stars and an anti-gravity private cabin, which is perfect for couples. Lovers find it quite interesting" 

"Sounds amazing, thank you"

"And if you excuse us”, Kirk turned to the couple, “me and my partner have traveled far"

"Of course! You two must be well rested, that's for sure"

"We will be", Spock replied obliviously. 

Jim blushed, wishing immediately he hadn't. 

"Honeymoon, Captain?"

"I'll, huh, explain it to you later" 

A crowd of people were blocking their way to the elevator. Apparently The Betelgeuse was famous for hosting lectures on the foyer and this was one of them. 

"What is the meaning of life, after all? We travel galaxy after galaxy, we come from different planets and we have several differences, yet we all have one thing in common: we are all alive. Some with two hearts, some with tiny ones, but alive. But still, do we know how to feel alive?" 

Kirk was impatient to get to the room and Spock was trying to find a way to leave, but they were both trapped in the middle of the crowd and would have to listen to the lecture.

"...A human being might live 75 years old, but have they lived every single day of their lives? What about a Captain of the Federation, for example? Prestige, adventure. But have they got the chance to be held at night? To share a meal with their companion day after day and watch the sun set at bay?"

Kirk was apprehensive at first at the mention of his title specifically when he was there trying to hide it, but there was no reason for concern. The lecturer was simply giving an example, one that resonated deeply with him, actually. His mind, half stressed, half filled with adrenaline became blank. He was reflecting.

"...Aren't those little things, triggered by simple feelings, what makes us feel alive? Isn't connection both the roots and flourishment of life? Deep, meaningful connections we have with one another. Understanding. Partnership" 

Kirk's mind had completely detached from the surroundings. He stared at a wall vaguely and dreamt of holding Spock in his arms, sharing meals, sitting on a bench to watch the sunset or on the deck of their house to watch the stars. Wherever their house was, that didn't matter. The meals, the bench or even the sunset didn't matter at all. It wasn't about the material things, rather what they represented in his mind. The embrace, the domesticity, the quietude. With Spock by his side, not just as his First Officer. Sharing, loving. Fully alive. 

He blinked and his half stressed state returned, while the other half was now a melancholic one. How could he dream of such things? He knew Spock wouldn't reciprocate his feelings, well, at least he thought he wouldn't, unless… 

"The hall is clear. Shall we?", the Vulcan touched his wrist, bringing Kirk back to reality effortlessly. 

The 823A suite was, indeed, interesting. A narrow corridor took them directly to the large, and only, bed of the room. On its right, the deck, with a marble table and two chairs, was lightened solely by the stars starting to appear in the night sky. On the other side of the room, the transparent and not-at-all-discreet anti-gravity tube stood, conveniently next to the double-door that led to the bathtub. 

Kirk went straight to the bathroom. Yes, there were some wounds to be washed, but not only that, a nice bath wouldn’t harm his muscles nor mind. 

Alone in the room, Spock read the entire Anti-Gravity Adult Manual on the wall, which explained its operation system and showed a diagram of the most common sex positions. His eyebrows remained raised for a while and he didn't dare to mention the intricacies of such a device to Kirk afterwards. 

[...]

“A honeymoon, Jim?”, they were sitting on the deck, having dinner, when Spock remembered. 

“Oh, right. Well, when two people get married, they like to travel to a place, come to a hotel like this or go to an island to...spend some time together and...be intimate”, Kirk dipped some fries in the ketchup. “This phase is called ‘honeymoon’ by humans” 

“How is that different from the matrimony itself?”, he sipped his soup. 

“Ah, Spock”, he smiled lightly. “It ends up being for some couples, I believe. Not all have the connection that that lecturer was speaking of earlier”. Kirk tried to eat at least one bite of the chicken, but he realized he felt no hunger, despite having spent the day fighting and climbing. He was too tired. No, he was thinking too much. 

“Are you alright?”

“Too tired to eat, I suppose”

“You should go to bed, then. I can clean this”

Then, Kirk looked at him, his eyes reflecting the light of the sky. He felt the domesticity of this ordinary moment and sparks lighted up in his chest. But they were just fractions of hope, that was all. He had been alone and he didn’t want to be. He wanted no one but Spock. He should say this to him.

He didn’t. Instead, he just thanked him and wished goodnight, as he threw himself on the left side of the bed. 

He couldn’t sleep, however, and neither could Spock when he lied down, after closing the curtains. It was only him and Kirk amidst the darkness now.

No Federation, no Enterprise. Just the two of them. What if this was the end? What if they were taken prisoners by the Klingons and Spock tortured, and he would never be able to say the simplest yet the most important thing he could say to him. If this was the end, Kirk didn’t actually live a life he was proud of, like Fitzgerald would say. Why the hell were these thoughts coming to him now?

Kirk moved impatiently under the covers and without needing to open his eyes, he knew Spock had noticed his state already, so it was pointless not to say it out loud. 

"I'm worried, Spock" 

"To worry now is a highly illogical thing to do, Captain" 

For the next minutes, neither of them spoke, although they could sense each other's minds silently working. Kirk's thoughts shaped more like a prism rather than a line and the vulcan's, despite his efforts, a path of thoughts curved along the way, especially not linear whenever his Captain was near. 

"Jim", his tone shifted naturally, as it usually did when he said his name, it was now softer.

"I was worried too, earlier. What that lecturer said brought thoughts that were strange to my mind. We've seen grandiosity in multiple forms and we've seeked the unknown, yet his questions have lingered unanswered. It is quite an existential thought, but I've come to think the feeling of being alive to be different from the acknowledgement of such" 

"One acknowledges it by breathing, whether the feeling itself is...beyond what our minds can control. I believe it comes spontaneously. Unwarranted. It-", Kirk refrained, predicting where the description was leading him to. "It is what you would call irrational, Spock" 

"But it cannot be" 

"Why? Why is irrationality such a bad thing? Isn't it irrational to tell a joke for the sake of laughing? Or to hold a hand for the sake of caring? Isn't that how many live their lives? And isn't that being more alive than..."

His tiredness was clearly showing and his rambling increasing, but he didn't need to put on a pleasant facade to Spock. Never. 

"What you describe, Jim, what those questions make me think of is not...sound", he reassured himself. 

"You've done things which were far from sound", Kirk’s eyes closed inevitably. "You've been angry for me and worried for me, I know you have. In fact, I'm pleased with that"

Spock felt a burning spreading through his cheeks. It wasn't new, Kirk had made him blush more times than he would admit.

"Every time you did so, I was pleased to witness. Less pleased when I was the one worried and angry for you, because that meant danger, of course. But wouldn't choose otherwise even if I could. I don't think I've felt alive as that man said because I didn't have the chance to. Perhaps I never will and that does worry me at night. But what eases my mind is the fact I've felt the burn, even if it's been just by sparks of hope. Even if-" 

"I've felt the burn too. The anger and worry you speak of come from it, as well as-. It isn't sound, Jim", he couldn't release the tension from his shoulders as he confessed. 

"Spock", Kirk whispered as a reflection, his tiredness halfway forgotten by the meaning of those words.

"There's a possibility, however. Perhaps it does have a small fraction of reasonability in the end", the Vulcan offered.

"Shouldn't we try to feel alive anyway, Spock? Just because we can?" 

"If we start acting by pure impulse and careless behaviour, we are no better than primitive civilizations, you know this, Jim" 

"Not pure impulse and definitely not careless, no. More of a quiet, lasting fire", he opened his eyes. "May I?", he moved his hand.

They had touched over and over before, but this time was different. It wasn't accidental or subtle. Kirk was asking permission for it, even though he knew he had it. Here and now they were completely conscious of what their bonding meant to each other. 

Although he couldn't see him, Spock understood the offer and nodded. Kirk turned his body slightly and reached for Spock's hand in the dark, finding it shaking, but soon becoming steady as he held it gently, carefully. Slowly, he let his thumb caress the Vulcan's hand, aware of how the lightness of his finger would ease his senses and relax his shoulders. 

Spock couldn't open his eyes, not even if he wanted to. All he could move was his thumb, returning Kirk's delicate affection. 

They were so close now Kirk could read Spock’s mind clearly. 

_It might not be completely sound, but it isn't entirely illogical either. It is humanity._

Kirk smiled and his eyes became watery. 

In his mind, Spock received: 

_Does this feeling make you warm as it makes me? For me, Spock, it brings me to reality. To a full awareness of reality, where I am fierce but vulnerable, weak but strong. I can be myself even beyond the border of what I consider myself to be because you're here, because I'm alive to touch you._

_Isn't allowing ourselves to feel this the most logical thing humankind has ever done?_

Not letting go of his hand, Spock turned his body to face Kirk's, their foreheads now touching and their minds still entwined as delicate as lace.

"It is spontaneous and unwarranted" 

"And it is not entirely sound", Kirk completed. 

"Yet…"

"Yet" 

"Jim…"

"Yes, I know what this level of intimacy means. I'd never assume this to be a mere human fling. It is not, Spock. It never was"

_You know my mind as I know yours and I am safe in your arms as you are in mine. I feel alarmed and at the same time I know that I’m just the opposite of being in danger. It’s most strange, but so is what I’ve felt for you since the start._

_To answer your thought, yes, this is real, Jim._

_I know. I feel happiness too._

As their bodies leaned closer naturally, their lips brushed lightly at first, causing a shiver so strong in Spock's spine that Kirk could almost feel it in his. Holding each other's waists, they leaned forward again, this time more reassured, their touch tender and their pace calm. Kirk couldn't let go of him just yet. He had hoped so much for this moment, he wanted to kiss Spock, again and again. 

"Are you alright?", he stopped precautiously, however, restraining his own eagerness. 

Spock's reply took a few seconds, their kiss had caused his mind to enter a new level of senses and experiences. He was, as Jim had said, fully aware of reality. Of his life.

"I am, Jim". 

Then, he smiled and Kirk could tell even amidst the dark room.

"Oh, Spock", his arms surrounded the Vulcan and he hoped this overwhelming sensation wouldn't hurt him in any way, because he needed to hold him tight. He was alive and so was the Vulcan he had been in love with. Spock was the most relaxed he had ever been and responded to the gesture by grabbing Kirk's waist. As their bodies embraced, they felt more alive than ever. 

"Feeling alive is a much better alternative than worrying before sleep", Spock pointed out when they were a few inches apart, staring at each other. 

"Indeed, having an existential pillow talk with you certainly is a better option”

"Pillow talk?”

“I’ll explain it tomorrow”

“We’ve faced worse probabilities before. We shall be protected in this room for the time being”

“Indeed. Remember Organia?”, a half-asleep Kirk rambled with a smile on his face.

“How could I forget? But we must sleep. Sleep will ease your mind”

“It will. Would you mind if I slept closer-”

"The concept might be strange to me, Jim, but it doesn't seem highly illogical" 

"I thought so too, Spock", Kirk placed a kiss on his chest, before resting his head there. "I thought so too"

**Author's Note:**

> -Epilogue-  
> As he woke up the next morning, Kirk finally noticed the anti-gravity tube. He must have been so tired the night before he didn’t even see the thing standing there, but now he recalled the recepcionist mentioning something about. ‘Private Cabin’ or something like that.  
> “Spock?”
> 
> “Hum?”
> 
> “What is that tube?”
> 
> “I believe I understood its operation quite reasonably after reading the manual last night. I’ll show you how it works later” 
> 
> Thank you for reading! Feel free to share your reaction with me :)


End file.
